Why girls opt for middle-aged men.
Looking at the unions in which she is in her early twenties, and he is in his fifth or even sixth decade, it is difficult to believe that we are talking about a big and pure love, rather it is a matter of a solid bank account. What else pushes girls into the arms of old men, explains psychologist Maria Merkulova .
Natalia Kozhina: – Maria, why do some girls enter into relationships or even marry men who are two or even three times older than them?
Maria Merkulova: – Let’s start with the fact that in our country, girls in principle begin to want to get married quite early, this can be fueled by the upbringing or example of their own parents. Many people already in their 20s dream of a stamp in their passport, although in Europe the picture is completely different, thoughts of marriage appear there after thirty. And what should a spouse be like? Firstly, he must be well-off, secondly, he must be reliable, and thirdly, he must have a certain social status. A twenty-year-old guy is unlikely to meet these criteria, so preference is given to an older candidate who has both a solid position and a good income, an apartment, a car, a bank account, etc. So the primary reason is the desire to marry a worthy companion. That’s what some girls think.
— But not all of them get married, some of them just live with men old enough to be their fathers.
— Yes, not all, but potentially any woman, meeting a suitable candidate, wants to marry him, give birth to children, there are hardly those who dream of being in an uncertain status of a cohabitant or mistress until a very old age. However, the fear of being left alone or losing some bonuses from a relationship with an adult man does not allow the girl to get out of them.
— By bonuses, do you mean a beautiful life?
- Of course. Now it is actively promoted both in the media and through social networks. Girls in their twenties brag on Instagram about expensive handbags, cars and apartments, it is clear that their peers also want to have the same prosperity. And how to get it? Find yourself a wealthy man, even in years. This is the shortest way to the material well-being that you want to achieve, to the circle of communication in which you want to rotate, etc. Due to these external attributes, the girl often raises her self-esteem, although this is the wrong way.
— From girls who are in relationships with older men, you can often hear: “I’m with him because he’s very interesting.” Do you think there is a lot of truth in these words?
— I don’t think that’s the root cause of their relationship, but it’s definitely the truth that the girl herself believes. If you like to get new information, get to know new people, travel, etc., such a man is often able to help meet such a request. Another thing is that for this it is not necessary to have sexual contact and marry a man who is three times older than you. It’s a pity that not everyone understands this.
— It is believed that in a relationship where the husband is much older than the wife, the woman subconsciously looks for a father in the man. Is that so?
— This happens if the girl did not have a very warm and emotional relationship with her father, she lacked parental love and care. Of course, she may unconsciously seek to satisfy her need to love and be loved with the help of an adult man. It is difficult for a young guy to provide this, because he himself may want to be loved, and an adult partner is quite capable of meeting all the stated requirements. Although it would be better if such a man directed all the love and care to his children and grandchildren, and not to a young mistress. But, on the other hand, this is a personal matter for everyone.
— If we are talking about a student and a teacher at an age that, by the way, can not always be wealthy, why is such a relationship also not uncommon?
— A teacher for a girl is initially a status person, because she is in the role of a student, and he comes and broadcasts to the entire audience. It’s like a secretary and a director, a nurse and a doctor. Plus, there are such types of education in which a girl is taught from childhood to obey her father, maybe even at some moments to be afraid of his punishment, etc.
By the way, there really is not always a selfish interest, but rather the fact that girls grow up faster than their male peers, and they have a need to fall in love. Remember, as in Tatiana from “Onegin”: “She waited and waited.” So imagine, one day, a person enters the audience, whom you should listen to, who says something important to you, is cute and shows interest in you himself. How can you not lose your head? Plus, sometimes the learning process is so intense that the girl once again can not go anywhere with classmates and friends. When you live in a home-study-home schedule, there is no way to make a choice in favor of a peer. And I want to love. I want someone to come and make your life a fairy tale, paint this boring world, and there is a connection with the teacher, which, by the way, a competent teacher will not allow.
— We just talked about the fact that twenty-year-old guys are not ready for marriage and can not meet the needs of young women, but today many complain that in 30 and even 40 years, men are also not set up for marriage and serious relationships. Maybe that’s why the choice falls on those who are older?
— I do not know the exact statistics, but I can say that, despite the fact that from 30 to 40 years is the ideal age for building a family and having children, some men are really not ready for drastic changes in their lives. Many people become independent very late, but today there is still a certain childishness in thirty-year-olds, it is true. And why would a girl need such a companion when she can connect her life with a more mature and already established person —
- How viable are marriages in which a man is much older than his partner?
- Age in this case does not play a significant role. It all depends on the specific situation. If a man chooses young partners for self-affirmation, it is clear that when his next lady of the heart becomes older by five years, he will quickly find a replacement for her and the union will break up. A similar ending will be when a woman dreams of children, and her adult companion, who already has seven on the benches, does not need another child. But if there is no such conflict, everything will be fine. So much depends on the specific situation, and it would be wrong to say that a marriage between peers will last longer than, for example, between a fifty-year-old man and a twenty-year-old girl.