How to save your family?
A psychologist and a sexologist tell you why a partner can leave the family after a long marriage and how to be in such a situation.
— I am 28 years old, my wife is 26. We have been married for 5 years, and met 11 years ago when we were in school. We did not like each other immediately: I did not notice her for a long time, and she was in love with my school friend. And then I realized that I liked her, and a friend “brought us together”. I didn’t have to take care of her, to win her over. I could see that she already liked me. We started dating, but then I didn’t want a serious relationship. I had fun in companies, socialized with other girls.
A couple of years later, she went to university, I was already working at that time. We moved in together and got married. For the first four years, everything was fine: we were a family, developing together, planning to buy a house, have children. It seems to me that everything went wrong when my wife got a good job, took a high position and began to earn well. At the same time, I earned no less, but my work was less prestigious.
And if for four years we supported each other, then in the last year everything has changed. She grew cold and began to think only of her future.
My wife constantly went to different courses, I was happy for her, helped pay for the courses. But she was mad at me because I didn’t want to go there with her. She decided that I should become more successful, maybe even change my job. But I’m fine with it. I know that over time I will be promoted and I will earn even more. And I don’t understand why I need to change my job and lifestyle.
In addition to work, she began to reproach me in everyday life. She said that she never really wanted children, and those were my wishes. That she is tired of saving for housing, she wants to live freely, travel and “not earn all the money in the world.” And in the future, he wants to live in another country. I am against moving and I understand that I have nothing to do in another country. We discussed this at the beginning of the relationship, and I thought she agreed with me.
After her statements, we had a big fight, mutual reproaches began. By that time, she had taken a vacation and gone abroad to visit her friends. This year, for the first time, we rested separately. I thought that there she would rest, come to her senses, and everything would fall into place. But it didn’t get any better. We called a couple of times in a month, and she never said she missed me. And when I came back, I became even more irritable, I forbade touching myself, I stopped cooking, I stopped watching the house, I started hiding my phone, we hardly talk. I even began to think that she had someone, once even snatched her phone out of her hands, but I did not find anything, and only angered her.
Two weeks ago, she proposed a divorce. I was confused and did not answer her, I tried to establish a relationship, but it did not work out. In the end, I agreed, but when I had to go to get a divorce, she did not go, and I decided not to go. I thought maybe this is a chance to change everything.
I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t know how to fix things.
Olga Krivitskaya, psychologist:
— At the beginning of the relationship, this couple had the same level of claims and ambitions, common plans for life. When my wife got a good job, her worldview changed: her desires and dreams became different. Apparently, offering her husband to go to the courses, she wanted him to develop, but her husband is satisfied with everything. As a result, it turned out that the couple no longer sees a future together.
For the husband, the breakup looks unexpected, since he most likely did not take seriously the changes that were taking place with his wife.
Unfortunately, it will not be possible to return the wife to the previous system of values. But you can try to find a compromise: discuss what each of you wants, how you see yourself in 10-15 years, and understand how the goals coincide.
Vasily Shevlyakov, sexologist:
— The idea that the couple will live happily ever after is impossible, because people change. Everyone develops in the course of life, accumulates experience, which is why new life priorities, beliefs, desires and ideals are formed. At some stage, partners may exist in similar needs and interests, supporting each other, but this will not last forever.
In this couple, the principles of life and priorities have diverged too much. The wife accused her husband that she did not want such a life, but you need to understand that in such situations there is always someone to blame. In this case, the wife perceives the stability of the spouse as a deterrent to her own changes. He prevents her from developing and meeting her own needs, so she gets angry and annoyed with him. And if there is no other motivation to continue the relationship, the couple will break up.
If the spouse ignores the wife or, on the contrary, begins to actively take care of her – this will not change her attitude. Since she is independent and decided to break off the relationship herself.
There is a slight chance that things will get better in this pair. In order for the wife to look at the partner with the same loving eyes, he will have to meet her expectations and be the ideal partner: someone who is constantly developing, motivated for results, flexible and able to change quickly. That is, you will have to find a compromise and sacrifice something – the comfort of constancy or further rapid development. For a man, this is difficult and will require a lot of strong-willed effort, which, by the way, may not bring the desired result.
In any case, a man will have to choose, and it is very important that the choice is conscious, and not just reduced to the desire to “save the marriage at all costs”.